Sleeping Nirvana

nir-va-na: n. a state of freedom from pain, worry, and the external world.

With Penny finally starting to sleep in her own crib and waking only once a night, there is the promise of a decent night's sleep. If only Sammy and Ella were in on the plan. Unfortunately, at least one of them is in our bed every night. Usually it's Ella, who kicks me all night long and hogs the bed, making sure I can never really fall into a deep sleep for fear of falling or being kicked off the bed.

Last night, both girls graced us with their presence by two in the morning. As I lay there, waiting for Penny to wake, I planned my escape. Once I got up, I would head to Sammy's bed and sleep there, leaving the other three to our bed. Maybe, when the girls woke and I wasn't there, Sean would get up and I could sleep in a little. (I was partially asleep, so a little dreaming wound up in the plan.)

Penny woke later than normal, at five a.m. instead of three, and I went to feed her after carefully barricading Ella into the bed with pillows. I then headed to Sammy's bed and laid down on the new, soft, pillow top mattress (we really need a new mattress). I wrapping the covers around me without worrying about covering a child's head or having one of the hot boxes kick them off (the girls are always hot, another Sean trait that apparently gets passed along in a dominant, mega-sized gene).

I laid down for twenty minutes, just about entering a state of blissful, deep sleep, before Ella awoke in our room and began crying for me. I thought Sean might get her back to sleep, assuming I was feeding the baby, but alas, I heard her drop with a thud to the floor, still crying for me, followed by her heavy footsteps searching the house for me.

I got up to get her before she woke everyone else up and brought her to Sammy's bed. She began kicking and complaining.

"No! Me bed! Me bed!"

She wanted to sleep on her bed, which is currently a Dora sleeping bag on the floor. So much for my hopes of a good night's sleep. I laid her down, and to my surprise, she went right to sleep. I crawled back into Sammy's bed, snuggled down, and slept, for almost an entire ninety minutes, before Sammy woke for the day.

My state of sleeping nirvana lasted only a short time, but I will continue to pursue it, hoping to reach the state for a full night sometime soon.

Jealousy

Ella has officially become jealous of the attention Penelope receives. As I found out with Samantha, the jealousy doesn't really start until the new baby starts doing things and being awake for more than two minutes at a time. That's when it seems to hit the older sibling that this thing is here to stay, is cute, and takes attention away from them. Not an easy thing for a me centered almost two year old.

It started innocently enough at first. She only wanted Mommy to do things for her: put her shoes on, change her diaper, give her a bath, read her a book, get her a snack, turn off the television. No one else could do anything to help her but me. Now it has progressed to affecting her sleep. Why must it always be the sleeping? It does not bring out the best in my parenting skills.

Yesterday, we had World War III in our house during nap time. I went to lay her down, at her usual time, and the screaming began.

"No! Mommy, NO!" Over and over.

I resolutely laid her down and left the room, putting the baby gate up to keep her in the room. She opened the door and began screaming.

"Mommy! Mommy! MOMMMMEEE! Need you, MOMMY!"

I went back in, laid her down to more screaming and told her I was not coming in again. So, I listened to screaming for twenty minutes. My head was already pounding from the congestion I had due to allergies. After twenty minutes, the pain was shooting behind my eyes. The screaming continued and was accompanied by things being thrown out of her room. I heard the dolls, followed by her Dora cup. Crap. She can't sleep without the cup.

"Mommmeee! Dora! Dora! Dora! Mommy! Need you, Mommy!"

I went back in with the Dora cup, and the Dora blanket I hadn't heard, and the two Dora dolls. Now I was mad. My head was ready to explode, the baby had woken up and was crying to be fed, and she had thrown the damn cup out herself.

I started yelling. I told her I would not get anything else she threw out of her room. It was nap and I needed to feed the baby and she needed to lay down and sleep.
She screamed for a total of an hour and fifteen minutes before I raged into the room, took down the baby gate and told her to get out. No nap for Ella today. And no television and no snack because we were having an early dinner, followed by bath and an early bedtime for Ella. We were going outside to play until dinner. She was not getting anything remotely resembling rest the rest of the day.

She calmed down immediately and I could see the satisfaction on her smug little face. She had won the battle. I was going to win the war.

The girls played very nicely together outside for two hours until dinner at five thirty. Ella was so exhausted, she was falling asleep while eating, her little head lolling back then jerking forward. She even choked a little once because she fell asleep while chewing and woke up quickly with food in her mouth. My plan was working! Bedtime was going to be easy!

Fast forward through bath time to into bed at seven. More and more screaming. I laid her down nicely, I held her down, I spoke softly, I yelled, I stomped my feet, I finally left the room to let her scream herself to sleep. After twenty minutes, my sinus headache could take it no more. I let her out.

I was so angry I couldn't look at her. I tried to read a story to Sammy, but Ella kept trying to listen and I couldn't stand it. I left them on the couch and went to feed the baby on my bed, the only place in the house Ella can't yet climb onto. That is where Sean found us.

He took Ella to bed. She asked for me, and Sean told her no, not tonight. Her face showed her heartbreak and my heart broke for her. She still screamed for me. She screamed so hard she was coughing and she threw up. She finally fell asleep. She woke every twenty to thirty minutes, coughing and calling out for me.

At ten o'clock, when Penny finally went to sleep so I could go to sleep. She woke and called out again. I went in and picked her up, her little body relaxed into me as I carried her to my bed. We both fell asleep, quietly, her head resting in the crook of my arm. She has recently been a frequent nighttime visitor to our bed, thrashing and kicking me all night long. Last night, she slept without moving, the sleep of pure exhaustion.

Today I decided there would be no screaming. Samantha went to school, so I tried to spend some solid quality time with Ella. We ran a couple errands and bought some new clothes, we played together on the slide outside, and I pushed her around in her little car. We had a nice lunch that I packed special in a lunch bag while discussing our morning and then we read some books. I tried to put her down for her nap. I read to her and left the room quietly. She did not scream, but she did not sleep, tooling around her room. After an hour and a half, I gave up and took all three for a walk in the stroller. She slept for the entire forty minute walk.

Tonight, I tried staying in the room with her to let her fall asleep with me there. She would not stop talking, willing herself to stay awake. After thirty minutes, Sean took over and she went to sleep with minimal screaming.

I'm not sure about the plan for tomorrow. Penny needs to learn to sleep not being carried, so going for a walk everyday isn't really an option, and Ella needs a nap. We'll have to see, hopefully the jealousy stops soon and she goes back to only mildly resisting sleep.

The Family Bed

We are having sleep issues...again. Penelope is not going to bed until eleven o'clock, still waking two to three times a night, Ella is waking in the middle of the night often, and Samantha is having some night accidents. This is leading to us having anywhere from one to three children in the bed at any given time, plus one cat.

When Samantha was born, I had no intention of having children sleep with us. Everything I read said the bed is not a safe place for babies to sleep, but after six months of getting out of bed every one to two hours and trekking across the cold, hardwood floor, I reached my limit of sleep deprivation and Samantha came into our bed.

When it first started, I thought how nice it was to have our baby cuddled up with us, feeling safe and secure, not fighting bedtime, but rather eagerly laying down next to me to sleep a whole night.

Once I regained my mental capacities after recovering from the sleep deprivation, I realized this was not a good idea. She became dependent on one of us being in the bed to sleep, she slept horizontally in the bed, kicking me all night long, so I still wasn't sleeping well. Although we tried to break the habit, the precedent was set, and she continued to share our bed, sometimes just one night at a time, sometimes for weeks at a time.

When Ella came around, I decided I wasn't going to be able to handle the extreme sleeplessness Samantha had brought, so Ella began sleeping in our bed at two weeks old. Since even those that advocate co-sleeping believe it unsafe to have an infant and another child in the same bed, Samantha was booted out. She still needed to sleep with someone, so that meant Sean and she became frequent couch sleepers, much to Sean's back and neck's dismay.

Eventually, we got them both sleeping in their own room for the most part, and then in the same room together for the whole night, with only occasional nighttime visitors.

Now that Penelope is here, we are back to an increase in visitors. Ella is waking, quite possibly a reaction to not being the baby anymore. Instead of bringing her back to her own bed, risking her screaming waking Samantha in their now shared room, I just let her sleep with us, horizontally, kicking me all night long. Samantha also has been waking with more frequency from bed wetting (she's not quite one hundred percent nighttime potty trained). Again, in the middle of the night, instead of waking Ella (if she's still sleeping), or bothering with the trundle bed where the sheets are stored that doesn't move quite right, into our bed she goes. Penelope does not always want to go back to sleep in her bassinet after her two a.m. feeding, so I sleep sitting up with her on the Boppy pillow.

On the nights where everyone wakes the queen size bed situation is this: Sean asleep on one side with Samantha laying on top of him or next to him, his stupid, gigantic body pillow, comfortably tucked in next to them, Ella, horizontally next to them, Tut, burrowed under the covers next to her,Penelope asleep on the Boppy, and me, sitting up, one butt cheek off the bed, steadying myself with one tiptoed leg hanging out of the bed, not sleeping.

I have one thought going through my mind over and over during these sleepless nights: teenagers do not want to sleep with their parents.